Saturday is Autumn's Party. My only escape from this house in the near future. With only 3 weeks until school saves me, I remain hopeful. I tried calling BJ again today. Nobody ever answers. All I get is the cold and empty tone of the answering machine. I don't want to talk to him. What would I say? I just need to hear his voice I've yearned for so long. I shouldn't think of him the way I do. But even after all of this, he was my best friend. My very best friend. He always knew how to cheer me up and I miss that. The way that no matter what he knew about me, he stuck around. You never forget your first love, even if you're not in love withthem anymore and you've moved on. There's always something you'll miss. But, I ran from him long ago, and with good reason. My fears succomed me. I've moved on. Or so I tell myself. I don't want anybody to love me for me like BJ. It all leads to trouble. To fears and insecurities and nightmares that lie you in wake of a cold sweat. The way he haunts me. Invades my thoughts. This is worse than my fear of Travis. This fear is relevant and real and very, very cold. It swallows you whole, consumes you...until at last, you cave and run. Run and hide. But what if that fear finds you again? Where do you hide? How do you run to hide when you're paralyzed by it?