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Jun 11, 2003
I just got back from my morning run. Only 4 miles today, a slow 4 miles at that. I kept about a pitiful 8 1/2 minute mile pace. Richard came over last night. We watched Harry Potter or at least it was on the TV (*wink). We cuddled up and fell asleep with each other later on because we were both tired (can't imagine why). I had this awful dream about (give you 3 guesses, 1st 2 don't count) Travis again. It seemed so real I actually started looking around my room for him and asked Richard where he was and if he was ok. I thought it had really happened. I explain the dream later in another entry. Richard's still trippin' and thinking that BJ is going to take me away from him (as if). I don't know how I'm going to get it through his thick head that he's the only one for me. Men...can't live with 'em, hard to live without 'em. I need to call Sarah (a counselor) and talk to her about my dream, so I'd better finish up with this and log my runs for the past week.
Posted at 03:18 pm by cassiemo
I don't know why, but I'm going to explain this thing from the beginning to myself to see if I can get something from it. Maybe I can find the answer. At summer camp, I kept dreaming about him getting into danger, and then I always had to save him. There have been worse dreams than that one about Shoshanna, like about people trying to kill him and stuff like that. When I did he go to hug me or something of that sort and I would get this overwhelming feeling of dread and terror. All I wanna do is run. I would sneak out my my barracks and go run. Now, I love Travis and all, he’s like a little brother to me. He’s annoying, but he can be pretty cool once he let’s out his inner human being. A counselor I’ve been talking to over the phone, she’s from my old school back in Jersey, told me that it was because I was afraid of falling in love with him. That’s why I get that feeling every time I have those dreams or when he makes physical contact with me. But like I told her, I just can’t ever see Travis and I together. Richard’s it, he’s the one for me. At one point in time, many a long time ago, I may have been able to see it. But me and Travis? It’s like a wet puzzle piece, it may have once fit, but it doesn’t anymore. I couldn’t stop thinking about him the whole time I was there. Everywhere we went as a platoon, I kept thinking something bad was going to happen to him, so I’d try to stay close. But I’d also have to keep my distance and avoid eye contact, because I came close to passing out several times just because of that feeling. As a Pisces, I have a bit of a stronger psychic intuition than others, and I get dead on vibes all of the time, but never one this strong. I have to talk to him about it sometime, because all of what I just told you, I told who I thought was a friend of mine. Before I knew it, it was all over our platoon, and everyone knew about it. She had turned it around somewhere though and people think I have some mondo crush on him and I don’t. I’m just getting a vibe. But if I don’t talk to him myself, I don’t even want to think about which rumor he’ll get from someone else. And if he gets a rumor, and if it comes from someone else a rumor it will be, Richard will get the same story. I wanted to handle this on my own, but I’m going to have to tell Travis no matter what. I hope I don’t have to tell Richard because I don’t think he’ll understand or he’ll take it the wrong way or something and I don’t want this to affect us. I love him too much. I really wish this would all go away. But I know my vibes, and they are never something I can ignore because they all mean something, and I would never forgive myself if something were to happen to Travis. Ever. I consider him my friend, whether or not he considers me one of his, and I feel it is my duty to protect him.
Posted at 03:16 pm by cassiemo
I am just not having a good day today. Summer camp as completely changed my life. I hate the civilian life now. All I want is a military environment. It's the only place where I can be happy, be myself, and thrive. Now that I'm home, I'm so depressed and bored all the time. Nothing interests or challenges me. There's still that little problem with Travis I need to talk to him about if he'll ever listen to me(yeah, well I doubt it). Was that just an ICP slip? Slap myself! Anyways, this Travis tihng is going to keep bothering me until I talk to Travis and thus talk to a counselor, and thus (hopefully this don't have to happen and I don't think it will) talk to Richard. This is all Autumn's fault for opening her big mouth and telling everybody everything I tell her. I trusted her with this problem and she goes and tells every guy in C-2nd platoon. I'm completely in shock that Travis don't know yet. But I'd rather him hear the truth from me about what's going on than some souped up rumor from Brooks or someone. I had another dream about him last night. (Does it ever stop?) Anyways, he met some blonde chick when me and him and Richard was at some party. I had a bad feeling about her. Later on I realized who she was. She was Shoshanna, a pimpette if I ever knew one who kept boys as pets. She played men and had no remorse for it. She started hitting on Travis, but I didn't say anything to him because he would have gotten mad at me and he hates me enough as it is. I pulled her away from him as they were talking and took her aside. We got into this heated argument and I told her to back the hell away and if she hurt my friend there would be hell to pay. She was all, "Well I've changed Xena freak, I don't want him for his money. I'll just make him fall in love with me and use him for sex. Of course that would get boring, so I'll make you a deal. I'll keep him, oh say 2 weeks." Then she whispered in my ear, "Maybe you should stay away from him you impure outcast!" And then she bit my ear! Hard. Then I decked her. Hard. Travis overheard the whole thing. He came over to see if I was ok and went to hug me and I ran. Faster than I ever had. Scared the shit out of me. This is the only private entry I have on this whole diary. I have always made all of my entries public. I have a feeling this ain't the last one with all that's going on. I'll write more tomorrow, but it's like 2AM and I'm tired.
Posted at 03:15 pm by cassiemo
Jun 10, 2003
Students learn leadership at Camp Clark
06/05/03
Steve Moyer www.nevadadailymail.com
It looks simple; a four foot high barricade about three feet wide, four poles of various lengths, some rope and some wooden crates. What it is, is a leadership test. One cadet is given charge of a group of cadets with the task of getting the crates and all of the cadets across the barrier without touching certain parts of it. It’s harder than it looks and it’s only one of the many tests cadets will go through in the week they’ll be training. Master Sgt. Ron Hancock, Paragould, Ark., pointed to the area where the group was in heated discussion about the task in progress. “It looks like the leader has pretty well abdicated. I can’t tell who is supposed to be in charge of this problem. That’s not good." After the problems are completed students will be scored on how they handled themselves and those they are in charge of, not just on whether they successfully completed a problem.” Approximately 750 Junior Reserve Officer Training Corps students from four Midwestern states are at Camp Clark partaking in a summer training session. They represent the top 10 percent of the participating schools. Students were scattered over two square miles of Camp Clark as well as out at the Nevada Fire Departments training facility at the old sewer plant where instructors showed students how to rappel down the 30 foot tower the Fire Department uses to simulate rescues from various heights. Lieutenant Colonel Henry Anton oversaw the training. “I would really like to thank the Nevada Fire Department for the use of this facility, it is a tremendous help to us. Everyone here in Nevada has been very accommodating,” said Anton. Before students ascended the tower,equipment was checked and rechecked by instructors. After ascending the tower, students hooked themselves to a rope attached to the top of the tower and descended by regulating the tension on the rope running through the carabiner, a metal ring with a snap opening to connect a person to a rope. Before they could descend they shouted down that they were connected up to rope one or rope two and the instructor holding that rope had to acknowledge they heard by shouting back up that they were on belay for that rope. Once students received the acknowledgment they leaned backward and began a descent punctuated by short hops away from the face of the tower. A small pond at Camp Clark was the scene of several sets of students learning a variety of skills including survival fishing, traversing a one-rope bridge, crossing a body of water while keeping their clothes dry in their ponchos, and finding a specified location on a terrain map among other activities. One particularly tricky activity was called “Viking Skis.” This simple looking device consists of a set of square posts with several ropes attached. Cadets have to hold on to the ropes while standing on the posts. To take a step everyone in the group has to lift their legs at the same time they pull upward on the ropes while moving their legs forward. It is a lot harder than it sounds and one group leader was becoming exasperated by his groups failure to make progress. Before his emotions overcame him a sergeant took the young man aside and counseled him on dealing with frustrations. Such situations are what the training is all about. Not everything a person attempts will be successful but learning how to deal with those failures helps future leaders succeed.
Posted at 03:10 pm by cassiemo
May 31, 2003
I can't believe I have to go to summer camp tomorrow. Especially on me and Richard's Anniversary. I finally got him a ring today and gave it to him at the rodeo. I've been waiting forever for that. I have to take mine off because MSG White said no jelwery. I'll be without my precious computer, so no updates on the site for a few days guys! Sorry! I'll continue to write on my novel wich I'm anticipating to publish in October or November. I'll have another commentary to post when I get back that I found. I wrote it when I was back in Middle School and obsessed with UFOs. (So what if I still am..?) All I'll be able to think about is Richard because BJ's still in town and may be after him, so very little work will get done between all of the summer camp stuff. But it will be good for me. I miss JROTC and all of that Army HOOAH hype. I really do. And I'll miss everyone! Hit the site and sign the guestmap if you haven't already. I'll be back in 6 days!
Posted at 03:12 pm by cassiemo
Apr 18, 2003
So much for hours of wasteful sleep my friends. Thursday I went to church with Richard for a scavenger hunt, wich was pretty kewl. Today Richard and I are going to the movies to see Malibu's Most Wanted. Tomorrow I'm going over to his house for his nephew's birthday. Sunday we're going to church to help cook the breakfast and see everyone in their Sunday best. I really don't want to wear a dress, but I have to. Not a word outta one of you! My calves hurt just thinking about those high heels. I haven't written in this thing in so long it's weird writing every day. But, whatever. I love Richard more and more everyday and I can't wait to leave this town and be with him. Go where people can accept us being together. The only support I'll get from this town is my family, his family, and our friends. Outside of my little bubble as I like to call it, the world is chaos. These are the only people other than Richard that make it worth finishing my childhood in this town. They are so real and grounded unlike the rest of this town. I hate school other than the fact that I get to challenge my mind for a few hours and see my bubble crew and even see JROTC. Eventhough I'm not in it, I love it and it makes my day worthwhile to see what those cadets are up to. Even worth the disgusting lunch I'm forced to eat. I'd rather starve thank you. And so many people in this school need an ass whoopin' it's not funny. Please, grow up already. We are NOT IN MIDDLE SCHOOL ANYMORE!! Thank You. Come on Summer, I need a break before I go insane!
Posted at 03:06 pm by cassiemo
Apr 17, 2003
This past week dragged its feet with a suffocating lethargy. It's strange, because in the new year, I thought things would look brighter, might excite me to a different degree. Except my reaction is just the opposite. As a second semester sopomore, I seem to have lost most of my motivation. It's sad really, that I want out so badly. It's not that I don't love some of the people here, I do. The anticipation of being in a new place with people I've never seen before is so appealing, I need a fresh start. Things and people here are growing stale, like crackers whose box wasn't closed quite right...
In my heart I know I'll look back on this in the future and kick myself in the ass for wanting to dog-ear this page in the book of life. But I just want so much to get away from this dead ended town, to be free and on my own, living my dreams instead of dreaming them day in and day out. I want to go to college, I want to be a Marine, I want to get married, I want my own life, and I don't want to wait 2 more years.
Standing on the threshold between now and then is becoming harder and harder as the days pass. I feel as though I'm losing my balance and the teetering back and forth is continuous.
It doesn't help that when I walk into class, first thing in the morning, 7:55 am, that it's so painfully obvious that I'd rather be anywhere but there. That's exactly what I don't want my life to be like. I want to love and enjoy life, and it's so hard to do when I'm doing the same damn routine year after year. It makes me want to cry. I feel trapped by this life. I don't even belong in this stupid town. I want to be were the people are alive and interesting, not close minded and afraid of change.
Three day weekend awaits; long, lazy, wasteful hours of sleep are on the horizon.
At least I can take comfort in that.
Posted at 03:02 pm by cassiemo
Feb 14, 2003
Oh Yippee Skippee It's Valentines Day! YaY! Oh, it was soooooo sweet! Richard got me roses and a bear and candy and I almost cried. The only valentine I ever get is candy and a spoofy card from my friends. But this was so adorable! I love him so much it hurts! Happy Valentines Day yall! Send me some e-mails, the inbox business is going slow!
FEEL DA LOVE! OUTTIE!
Posted at 02:59 pm by cassiemo
Feb 7, 2003
I just got home from my run. 3 miles today, through the park. A little too easy, but I'm not quite in the running mood it is so COLD outside! The cold weather really hurts my hip, like I feel I'm gonna die. I've been doing good though on the treadmill, and I might recover completely even in time if I decide I wanna do cross country. I still think I might stick to Rifle Team, Drill Team, and Soccer. Who knows? Well, I'm gonna go do some updates on the website. For all of you regular visitors, it looks different, but kewl! Well, Outtie!
Posted at 02:57 pm by cassiemo
Feb 1, 2003
Today has been the most AMAZING day of my life!! Richard and I are finally together. I'm so happy it makes me feel guilty. But why should I be guilty? I've been supressing the way I feel about Richard for forever now and to finally be with him is somewhat of a therapy to me. I brought home 2nd in my comeptition and 1st in IDDs. Not too shabby if I say so myself. Especially since it was my first time leading in competition. Well, I beter go and call Richard. Outtie Yall.
Posted at 02:55 pm by cassiemo
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