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Aug 7, 2003
There's this song I listen to, when I think of him. It's called "My Immortal" by Evanescence. BJ is my immortal. For those who don't know the song, here's the lyrics:
I'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all of my childish fears
and if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
because your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone
these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase
when you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
and I've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me
you used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now I'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase
when you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
and I've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
and though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
Posted at 02:08 pm by cassiemo
Aug 4, 2003
I'd rather forget Satuday night. A lot of it was one big mistake. I've been having a rough time, with Richard, BJ, JROTC, school coming; all of it was just too much that night. The alcohol did little to help me to forget and have some fun at Autumn's party. The problems seemed worse, magnified. The more fun I triend to have, the worse shit got. I wished BJ would have never come by. I was trying to leave, I wanted to get away because everyone was fighting and yelling at me. But, BJ and Robert kept dragging me back. I didn't realize it was BJ. I just remember seeing someone that reminded me of him and I was like, who is that? I knew it was him though when he was carrying me because I could smell him. And then I did the one thing I'll regret for a long time to come. I tried to kiss him. At the moment, I don't know what I was thinking or what made me do it, but it hurts all the same. I remember Sherry telling me that no one was going to get me because she was going to be here and I was just calming down after that ice bath I got and a few cigarettes. I was still drunk, but I was sobering up. BJ called later on and we talked for a long time, which I don't know if it made anything better or worse. I'd rather not stew on it right now. Posted at 02:31 pm by cassiemo
Aug 1, 2003
Last night I recieved the one phone call no one ever wants to get. Richard, my world, my life and reason for it...had been in a car accident. A bad one. He was driving his Blazer up on 8th street with his cousin and my friend Willy after Thursday ngiht bowling. He hit a pothole and a tire blew out and he lost control on the gravel road. Matt was driving behind him and saw everything. The Balzer rolled 1 1/2 times, another half a roll and the vehicle would have smashed into a concrete barrier and killed Richard and Willy both. If they would have been wearing their seatbelts, things would have been worse. Willys came out fine, thank God, but Richard was hurt. I had to get to the hospital. My mom was just about to leave for work and I was asleep when the call came, so I got dressed faster than I ever have and had mom drop me off. I waited for forever it seemed for any news. X-Rays and cat scan came back normal and he was okay, just a little shaken up. But I still wouldn't calm down until I could see him. When I did get to go in to see him, I wasn't prepared for what I saw. He waas covered in blood and crying and whimpering the whole time. I can't stand to see him cry or see him hurt. I broke down too. We didn't talk much. The doctor said he had to have some staples in his head and that he had a mild concussion. I wished that the doctor would just shut up and leave us be for a minute. Everybody; me, his family, his friends were all crying and stressed out. We're all trying to make fun light of it now, but he scared everyone that night. I am so glad he's still alive. I love him so much and I don't know what I'd do if something were to happen. Today he's here for our 6 month anniversary. THANK GOD!
Posted at 02:18 pm by cassiemo
Jul 30, 2003
Saturday is Autumn's Party. My only escape from this house in the near future. With only 3 weeks until school saves me, I remain hopeful. I tried calling BJ again today. Nobody ever answers. All I get is the cold and empty tone of the answering machine. I don't want to talk to him. What would I say? I just need to hear his voice I've yearned for so long. I shouldn't think of him the way I do. But even after all of this, he was my best friend. My very best friend. He always knew how to cheer me up and I miss that. The way that no matter what he knew about me, he stuck around. You never forget your first love, even if you're not in love withthem anymore and you've moved on. There's always something you'll miss. But, I ran from him long ago, and with good reason. My fears succomed me. I've moved on. Or so I tell myself. I don't want anybody to love me for me like BJ. It all leads to trouble. To fears and insecurities and nightmares that lie you in wake of a cold sweat. The way he haunts me. Invades my thoughts. This is worse than my fear of Travis. This fear is relevant and real and very, very cold. It swallows you whole, consumes you...until at last, you cave and run. Run and hide. But what if that fear finds you again? Where do you hide? How do you run to hide when you're paralyzed by it?
Posted at 07:36 pm by cassiemo
Jul 9, 2003
My world has recently become an overwhelming and depressing jumble. I feel so lost all of the time and no one seems to notice. Even my sleep is interrupted with these weird dreams, and it's so frusterating ecause they keep trying to tell me something and I can't seem to interpret the messages being sent. I want to grow up so badly and just get out of this house, I hate this house. I hate living in this house so much I like school. And it's so painfully obvious when I walk into my classes at 7:55AM that I'd rather be anywhere but there. I hate Mondays and Fridays the most. On Mondays, everyone is talking about al the fun stuff they did over the weekend. Fridays everyone talks about the fun things they plan to do that weekend. I, of course, have nothing to say because my mom won't let me out of the house. I mean, what am I supposed to say. "Oh guess what I did over the weekend! I laid in bed all day and watched re-runs on tv that I've seen 100 times!"
I just can't wait to be 18 years old so I can leave and never come back. All I want is to live my life, hell to have a life would make me happy. I'm always depressed and moody and I have like zero friends because I can never go out and do anything with them. I love my mom and all, but everyday I wish she would have chosen to be anything but a cop. Then maybe life would be bearable. Mom thinks that just because I have the computer, tv, and the phone I have this houge crap load of shit to keep me entertained. The computer has absoloutely nothing fun to do. It's a freaking research tool for pete's sake and all I ever get is junk e-mail and I've worked on my website so much that there's nothing more to do on it. The tv has nothing but re-runs of the same crap over and over again and I do nothing but get fat laying in bed watching it all damn day. And let's not even get started on the phone. Even when I do finally manage to get it away from Daniel for a whole 10 minutes out of the day, nobody's ever home to call. They're all out having lives. Something I'll never know about. Yeah, mom really loves me making my life like this. Her mom never did this to her. I really hate summer. Maybe vacation will be better. I can't wait until school starts.
Posted at 03:47 pm by cassiemo
Jun 28, 2003
Well, we're back from vacation in Texas. I had a chance not to be. There was this girl at the Motel 6 who travels around with truck drivers all over the country. She gets the super star life in exchange for sex with the drivers. She wanted me to come along with her and I thought about it. I seriously did. But then my conscience decided to chime in. I wanted to run away. Like I've run away from everything else. I miss BJ. I want to see him again. From a safe distance of course. I wish that running away from him would have helped in one way or another, but it didn't seem to do anything but worsen things. I keep trying to tell myself that I've moved on. Now that I'm back at home, maybe I can get back on track. With school coming and everything I'll have something to keep my mind off of things. I still wonder how things would be different, maybe better even, if I would have left that night. Who knows? I hope I made the right decision.
Posted at 03:24 am by cassiemo
Jun 24, 2003
I’ve been thinking a lot about the future this year. I’m weird and I worry and fret over every tiny detail and I have to have everything planned just so. I’m planning on going to college at MU aka Mizzou on an ROTC scholarship. I’m going to get my degree in meteorology so I can pursue a hobby of storm chasing. For some reason I don’t want to go out of state. Richard and I are getting married right out of high school along with our good friends, the soon to be Sophia (my Clinton bf) and Sean Suping. We’re going to go to each other’s weddings if not have a double wedding. After college, I’m going to serve 8-10 years in the Marine Corps to pay off my college and earn enough money to get our dream house (which can be viewed via the internet @ http://www.ourhome.vze.com/) in the Chicago, IL area. Probably my last 2 years in the military, Richard and I plan on starting a family. I’m only having one child. Our firstborn, the one I’m having, will be named either Genesis (girl) or Richard, Jr. (boy). Our second child, if we decide we want another, will be an adopted infant of the opposite sex, Prudence or Mercedes (girl), or same as above for a boy. Of course this is all when we settle down because the military is no place to bring up a child, with the moving around all of the time, believe me I know. Roots are very important. In Chicago, I’m going to find a job helping animals or people, preferably animals, and I’m also going Marine Reserve (so I don’t have to miss out on military life to raise a family, one weekend a month, 2 weeks in the summer and I still get full benefits). All of my lovely children will attend a military academy during their high school years, of which there are many in the Chicago area. When I retire I want to become a JROTC Instructor at one of the academies. Told you I've been thinking about it alot. I just can't seem to wait for it all.
Posted at 03:36 pm by cassiemo
Jun 22, 2003
Yesterday I went to a family cookout thing with Richard out on a farm. We spent most of our time swimming in the pond. I loved the country-ish atmosphere of it all. The way his family just loosens up and just laughs and has fun is so refreshing compared to my quiet, reserved, and uptight family. Richard' mom invited me over for a fun time of visiting family photo albums complimented with embarassinf childhood stories of Richard. I can't wait because Richard always goes and talks to my mom and gets embarassing things to blackmail me with. It's revenge time baby! Plus, I'll take any excuse to go over to Richard's house. I swear I was born in the wrong family. After I got home I called Sophia back. Since her and Sean's anniversary is the 31st June and ours is the 1st of July, we're planning on celebrating together on a double date for a dinner and a movie when Legally Blonde 2 comes out. Richard and I need to plan a family picnic in the park so our families can get to actually know each other.It's been nearly 5 months, I think it's time. We should invite Sophia and Sean too so we can hang out. We don't getto hang out as a group much since school let out and I think we'll be able to more next month because of Olde Glory Days. Anywho, enough for today!
Posted at 03:35 pm by cassiemo
Jun 16, 2003
Saturday I went to the air ahow up at Whiteman AFB with Richard. I love airshows! Airplanes are just the cooliest things on earth! If I were smart enough I'd probably be joining the air force instead of the Marines to be a pilot. The Thunderbirds and the B-2 Stealths were the coolest. And let's not forget the ever awesome Nighthawk. They had a ton of humongo planes on display and what's a military air show without the military recruiting stations? I love airshows! Even though I'm like 16 years old, they make me feel like a kid again. The rush of a group of Thunderbirds soaring just over your head will do that to anyone. Airplanes will awe just about anyone at any age. Plus, I got to spend the whole day with my boyfriend! How much better can things get?
Posted at 03:31 pm by cassiemo
Jun 13, 2003
Not much going on today. I didn't get to sleep last night because I didn't want to dream about Travis again. I went to go run (well kinda) at 7AM as usual. 1, 2, skip a few details, and move one to when I got home. I got on the computer. I've been on this thing pretty much all day because it keeps me awake. Plus I had some site work to do. I now have an adopt a pony section on my site, so for all of you adoptables freaks, check it out. Anyways, there's nothing to say really today so I'll go do more site work.
Posted at 03:30 pm by cassiemo
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